Best policy?? Aw, come on.

Honesty?? Really????!!!!!!!!!! Where does that come from anyway? I am assuming that the guys who made up that idiom about truth setting you free were pukka fools---clearly out of their minds. How else can you explain the devastation that hits you so hard when faced with the raw bitterness of life?! This is not meant as a rant caused by frustration or anything. It is, however, terribly depressing when you trust someone deeply, and so utterly completely....expect them to be there for you, and then, right where you expect them to be rock-solid and reassuring....It hits you. Hard. They are NOT going to be there, especially when you most need it. The realization is a terrible one, highly terrifying.....It's one moment when you'll feel like never before. Alone. Unwanted. Unappreciated whatever you do.

This is a part of life. Not everyone is going to be around. Not everyone is who you think they are. And I am not just talking about childish squeamishness that proclaims "Looks can be deceiving". I am saying that you can really know a person, think you know that person as well as you possibly can, at least in all the relevant aspects.....and then they decide to flirt with the idea of devilry. Nice. Well, there are times when people are not going to take it lying down.
Standing up, even.

And at other times, using a blog as a sounding board helps. Immensely. Try it sometime.

Losing "time".

There are, to begin with, three ways that I "lose time", or completely zone out.....This is not as exceedingly important to some of you guys reading this, but to me, the time "gained" or otherwise satisfactorily utilized is so meager and insubstantial that, time seems like too precious a commodity!

Let me explain what I am blabbing about. Three ways- three methods that I have effectively tracked back to how I am improvident with the important essence that is time. Ticking away constantly, time, like many other resources, is believed to be a humdrum object to misuse and so….I ultimately end up frittering it away. The truth, sadly, is that we would suddenly realize our wastefulness, and this wisdom, this realization hits us really hard when we least expect it….like at prominent birthdays, or when we are forced to think back on the day and reflect on the events, the blunders, and all other quotidian occurrences that are part of the day’s progress. To avoid all this, I suggest that you take some time off from your hectic, trying schedule and see if this makes sense so you can apply the solution (with which you are hereby informed/ warned that I have nothing whatsoever to do, and you may continue reading the rest of this blog entry at your own discretion) every time you recognize the symptoms for what they are, because that is the purpose of this mine post (author’s license, taken freely, if not given).

So. The first, and most common (I’ve organized this entry to progress from a widespread typology to a rare episode) is the quintessential ‘avatar’ that is the dream. “Ahh”, I hear you think…”that makes sense”. Well, anyway. Sense or not, I unfailingly ramble on……

Dreams are often expressions of what happens everyday around me, sometimes yearnings; at other times unrelated sequences of happenings that are beyond my feeble powers of comprehension. There have been times when I’ve woken up in a state of deliriousness or fear or frustration, or any other feeling when I consider myself to be at one with the dream that I’d just been experiencing. Such feelings---funny later in the day---linger on for a few minutes and sometimes even the entire day and confuse my thought processes, and I can recall several instances that this happened. Once there was a time when I dreamt of my friend crying and repeatedly questioning me “Why? Why??”, with tears streaming down his cheeks. I woke up the next morning and felt so depressed I caught myself looking at him throughout the day, checking on him to make sure things were okay, being extra sweet, and I am sure he had no idea what was happening with me. There was another time when I dreamed that my Dad turned into this really mean person with me every time he shaved his moustache! This was, no doubt, prompted by the feeling of obfuscation I get and the loss of identity I feel when I see my Dad without his moustache---something that my prof. was saying once about his kid screaming the house down when she saw him with his characteristically long beard shaved off. But I digress, and this topic of how children identify with their parents and the certain way they look and behave, is probably something to be worth discussed upon at a much later time….

The second typology is the “daydream”. Similar in so many ways to a typical dream, this is different in that we have absolute control over it, not try somno-rationalize it without knowing why. And by complete control, I do NOT mean complete control. Granted, there are certainties, if not with the flow of thoughts itself, at least with its origins. However, that is where the control stops. Like R.K.Narayan’s Swaminathan, I veer away from important tasks at hand and wander off into shrouded, misty worlds of oblivion……daydreams of this sort are sometimes much more pleasant, considering that we like what we dream about. Until, that is. Until, my inner voice tells me to get on, get back to work, and get a life.

The final typology is not as whimsical as the ones detailed previously, but is nevertheless, an imperative one. That is something that has no name, and that which is UTTERLY out of my reach. There are times when I “space out” and later realize that I’ve missed something in the conversation around me. This missing piece could be inconsequential or highly relevant; there is no way that I understand the goings-on. So, I implore all ye who’ve so kindly taken the time to ponder on this, to respond with how and why such “black-outs” occur. If I can find the answer to that, then all’s well. Of course, that does not intend me going back to a life with any semblance of normalcy (you know me, ha! right); all it does signify is that I will be placed in a position of understanding, a higher plane that I dream (and daydream) about attaining someday.