Yenna solvadhu???

My thoughts are so chaotic right now...(the 3 question marks should've given you a clue as to the extent of my disorientation)...this is definitely one of those days when I feel like I have nowhere to go, whatever I do. Why IS there so much chaos?? Let me make a decent attempt to try and assuage some form of "order in chaos".

Let me begin by stating that I am totally lacking in any kind of routine or form. My everyday life is based on the motto "Take each day as it comes". Seriously. Trust me, there are days (oh-so-many of them) when I know I am living a way to pursue my goals and rejoice someday in my dreams...Even the other day, I was talking to a friend..he was asking me what I truly wished for at that moment, and I pondered....... I know, I know! Many of you must be laughing uproariously at me right this minute, wondering why in heaven's name I "pondered"...I honestly did ponder for a very long time (seconds extended into minutes) and I finally had this to say, would you believe: "I honestly have no clue what to wish for", and he actually understood what I was getting at! There was a very wise voice floating in my mind's eye, and it finally reigned supremacy over all the other incomparably petty and unimportant ones clamouring for attention--the ones like in the cartoons with the bubbles inside them saying "Do it!!! You can get away with it!!!" and "Go ahead....what's stopping you? No-one cares about you truly, anyways"....Get the point?? If you did not, let me spell it out for you. For those of you who don't understand what really I'm driving at...here it is, the exposed "me": I am the kind of person who believes.....believes and believes more and more...that everything has a rhyme and reason to it, that everything and everyone deserves a chance, that I should be the best I can possibly be( and this is not just the lame career-oriented normal things we do every second, but I am talking about real goals that relate to what you WISH for in your heart of hearts), that I should strive and strive harder, better and harder still, to make a pronounced effect on at least one being that I come in contact with, that I should aim to be the person people will think of someday as "the girl who was spirited and soulful about whatever and whoever she touched..." I don't yet know if I'm making even a semblance of sense to any of you guys, but I believe, I believe....And this is not just philosophical wish-wash....All these are the true outpourings of my heart from deep within...I do NOT want to be living a life that is constantly monitored by those "evil" bubbles, and by the stoical attitude that ignores the fact that you're not an island, and that everyone and everything is interconnected by these strands--visible and invisible, pulsating strands of life!!!! LIFE----that's what life is all about...Always realize also the common human tendency which dictates that everything is as we make it out to be!!!! That is a load of ____!!!!! True, life is how we make it for ourselves, but sometimes, for some people, this translates to mean "Ignore everything except what you want and what you believe in!!! Life's not an island, and you definitely aren't a black hole...YOU CANNOT SUCK THE ESSENCE OF ALL THAT IS AROUND YOU, AND STILL THRIVE!!!! Everyday, I am more depressed about all this happening in the world...total lack of consideration for the big picture. There it is--the BIG PICTURE--that's what I wanted to convey in essential, and that's what I've been circumlocuting about all this time....

Now to revert to the tiny, little picture--ME, and the reason that makes me feel like I feel right here, right now!!!! That and the interweaving of terrible facts like stress from being overworked, and LONELINESS....(I am always alone, and that I have literally nobody close to me --literally and figuratively speaking..people I hold dearest to my heart are not here when I would want them to be, and others are just....well....they're "others"...I'm not saying this to be rude or anything, but that's just the way I feel right now...Nothing compares to the constant reminders that the mix of all these factors and ever-determinant processes affect me, every day, every minute and every second...THIS is the reason I am pressurized by "chaos" in my life...And always will be.